How Faith Stole Christmas
by Ehlayah
Summary: Dont ask.I dont even know why i wrote this.But its pretty funny.Rated M For the swearing.There is no exact time where this story takes place. Its just there.


Well this is a buffy the vampire fic kinda but I got selene from underworld in here just because I like the pairing XD

Buffy the vampire slayer (Which I don't own)

Don't ask how I possibly could make spike do this .This thing makes absolutely no sense what so ever.Its just for laughs.

Inspired by-KNUXIE GOLEM "How bowman stole Christmas" And Dr, Suess's "How the grinch stole Christmas"

There is no exact time this takes place in the buffy series .Don't ask how I got selene here she's just here.

When there is a name of a character and a '-' next to it.Its talking.

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Every one in LA liked Christmas allot. But faith,Who hung out in a bar on the outskirts of LA. Did not.

Faith-I'd prefer Miami. --

Faith HATED Christmas.She hated the whole Christmas season!Now Please don't ask why.No one quite knows the reason. Maybe It was cause her head wasn't screwed on quite right.

Faith-Go to hell bitch --

It could be because her shoes were too tight.

Faith-HELLOOO, Boots not shoes. Get it right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all .may have been that her heart was two sizes too small.

Faith- Probably

What ever the reason.Her heart or her shoes.I mean boots.

Faith-Good narrator -patts-

She stood there on Christmas eve hating the people being christmasy.Staring into her bottle of jack A glazed look in her eyes .Staring out the window into the many shops full of happiness and delight.For she knew that every lazy bastard who waited till the last moment to get their loved ones a gift .were rushing to it .It made her want to puke.

"They'll be hanging their stockings!"She snarled with a sneer. "Tomorrows Christmas! Its practically here!" Then she grunted her fingers nervously drumming. "I must find a way to keep Christmas from coming!" For tomorrow, She knew .Everyone, Including the scoobies would wake up bright and early.They'd rush for their toy's!

Faith- I have toys XP

And then ! Oh,The noise!Oh, the noise! The Noise noise noise!

Faith- -Twirls stake in her hand- Yeap just keep repeating that

That's one thing she hated was the NOISE NOISE NOISE!\

Faith- So I guess you want wood in your voice box

Then everyone would sit down to a feast.And they'd feast and they'd feast and they'd FEAST FEAST FEAST!

Faith:WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MOVE ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!

They's share Willow's famous pudding. And attempt to eat Buffy's rare roast beast.

Spike: BLOODY HELL GILES ITS MOVING!

Giles: STAB IT THROUGH THE HEART HURRY BEFORE IT GETS AWAY!

Which is something faith couldn't stand in the least.And THEN! They'd do something she liked least of all! Everyone in LA,The tall and buffy,Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing…They'd stand hand-in-hand.and they'd sing and sing and SING SING SING!

Faith- What did I say about repeating words over and over again like mojo jo jo

And the more she thought about xander and angel's voice singing.The more she thought 'I must stop this whole thing!'

Faith- Yeah if I don't then those two alone would cause another hell mouth to open

"Why for Years I have put up with it now! I must stop Christmas from coming….But how?" Then she got an idea! An awful idea.The grinch got a wonderful,AWFUL idea.

Faith- BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I know just what to do!"faith laughed manically.And she made a quick santy claus hat and coat.And he chuckled,And chuckled. "What a grinchy trick! With this coat and this hat,I'll look just like that twit"

Faith- XD brings back memories of LAST Christmas.

"And now all I need is a reindeer"faith looked around the bar.But since live reindeer were scarce (There was a head of one just above the bar)There were none to be found.Did that stop faithie ?NO!

Faith simply said"If I cant find a reindeer. I'll make one instead" sHe looked evily over to a drunkin spike who was downing a bottle of crown. "HEY SOUL BOY COME HERE!"Spike pointed to himself the snarled as she nodded "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CALLING ME SOUL BOY!"

She grinned a evil grin then snapped off an antler from the deer at the bar and in the next moment had him in a hold one of the pointy ends to his heart "Its either I drive this through your soulful heart or you wear it."

Spike didn't seem to have much choice in the matter.Sighed and said "Fucking shit"

Faith- He got weak after the whole soul thing.

Then she loaded some bags and some old empty sacks on a ram shackle sleigh.And she hitched up poor old spike and said "GIDDYAP!"

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO I LOOK LIKE. A HORSE!"

"No,But you'll be resembling black pixy dust in a second if you don't start pulling this thing"

"You are cruel and evil you know that"Spike said with a snarl

"No,Just drunk and pissed off" Faith stated and cracked a whip (that she conveniently had strapped to her side) and they were off.All the non drunkin people asleep in there beds.Windows dark,Queit snow filled the air.All the people were dreaming sweet dreams without a care.Even willow and kennedy who had an exhausting 3 hour fight. With buffy about them going to sleep for the night.

She came to the hotel "This is stop number one"The grinchy claus hissed.And she climbed on top of the roof ,Empy bags tied around her wrists looking at the chimney "If santa can do it so can this bitch".And slipped down the chimney.She only got stuck once.Just for a moment or two then stuck her head out the chimney the stocking hung in a row."These stockings".She grinned "Are the first thing to go!"She slithered and slunk,with a smile most unpleasant.

Faith-Bite me,I don't slither or slunk and my smile is beautiful! TT

Around the whole room.And she took every present! Pop guns! And bicycles!Roller skates!drums!Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!Then she stuffed all the bags up the chimney,then slunk to the icebox.She took their feast! She took willows famous pudding and buffy's roast beast.

"Bloody hell!Faith catch it its running away!"Spike shouted as it ran out the door

"Be free gentle woodland creature!"

She cleaned out the ice box as quick as a flash.Why faith even took their last can of hash!

She stuffed up all the food with glee."AND NOW!" Grinned faith. "I will stuff up the tree!" And faith grabbed the tree,and he started to shove when he heard a small sound like a grunt and a yawn.and saw a small vampire

Selene- Who you callin small

Who was no more then one or two

Selene- I'm over 300 years old!See look I got boob's long hair I have all my baby teeth out!

Faith had been caught by this young women(better?)

Selene-Much

Who had gotten up to get a cup of cold water.She stared at faith and said "Holy shit santa claus is real?Wait you're a chick"But you know that sly slayer was so smart and slick.She thought up a lie and she thought it up quick." Girl do you really think a guy could get around the world in12 hours and get all these presents to their places on time?P-LEASE"

"Then what are you doing with my tree?"Selene cocked an eyebrow

"Um…..Oh look a were-wolf!"faith shouted

Selene spun around and was hit from behind.

"Sucker" She snickered.now staring at the knocked out vampire"Cute but gullible"

Selene- EXCUSE ME! Faith couldn't knock me out if I were a 80 year old lady with lung cancer and broken legs!

Faith-can too!

Selene- -glares- we'll see

When she made sure she was knocked out cold she stuffed the tree up.The last thing she took was the log to their fire.Then she went up the chimney herself.That sly liar

Faith-and kickass slayer don't forget that!

On their wall she left nothing but hooks,and some wire.And the one speck of food. That she leftin the house was even too small for a mouse.

It was a quarter past dawn and somehow spike didn't burn.

Spike- This is weird.

Faith- Its Christmas you cant burn on Christmas asshole

Spike- oh pissoff.

All of LA still sleeping when she packed up her sled. she packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings! The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings!and bags! She rode to a pawn shop that was About to open.To get rid of the stuff she had stolen!

"AH HA!to the stupid fools!"She hummed."They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!There just waking up! I know what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open an minute or 2.Then all the fools will cry BOOOOOOHOOOO!"She closed her eyes and chuckled" That noise.I simply must hear!"So she paused and put a hand to her ear.

And she did hear a sound rising from the snow.It started in low.Then it started to grow…But the sound wasn't sad!Why,This sounded merry! It couldn't be so!Bit it was merry! Very!She stared down the street and opened her eyes,What she saw was a surprise!Evryone,The tall and buffy.Were singing! Without any presents at all!She hadn't stopped Christmas from coming IT CAME! Somehow or another.It came just the same…

And faith with her feet in the snow.Stood puzzling and puzzling "How could it be so?It came without ribbons!"She paused at took spike by the shirt "It came without tags!"She punched him across the face."It came without packages boxes or bags!"She yelled tossing the vampire on the ground.She puzzled 3 minutes,Till her puzzler were was sore.

Then she thought of something she hadn't before."Maybe Christmas"She said"Doesn't come from a store….Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a bit more.."

And what happened then? Well in la they say that faith's heart grew 3 sizes that day!She wizzed with her load through the bright morning light and she brought back the toy's! and the food for the feast! She herself even recaptured the still living roast beast.And kissed selene.

Spike- I'm still wearing this damn antler.

Buffy-Aw spike it looks good on you!

Spike- Sodd off

Faith- -Takes picture- Bwahahahaha!


End file.
